Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Evie Hayman’ Category

The newest issue of Deconstruction arrived at the printers this afternoon, so you can expect all of its juicy goodness when you come back from winter break. We’ll be organizing some kind of event and meetings soon, so get ready to ramp up for another semester at Deconstruction.

If you happen to live in Delaware or New Jersey, you had the chance to vote in presidential primaries today. Here’s hoping you did, as the polls are closed and the votes are being counted.

At this point it looks like Obama is taking Alabama, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, and Illinois while Clinton is likely to take Massachusetts, Missouri, New York, Oklahoma, and Tennessee. The republicans are little less clear, with McCain likely to take Connecticut, Delaware, and New Jersey. Huckabee has won West Virginia already and is leading Arkansas and Missouri. Romney isn’t going empty handed: he has his home state of Massachusetts.

In honor of Super Tuesday, here’s some samples from the new issue’s presidential candidates feature.

Presidential Speed Dating: Who Will You Choose
by Evie Hayman, Wallace McKelvey, and Amy Saltzman

Hillary Clinton: People do crazy things freshman year, like taking the “walk of shame,” vomiting in public… or leading the Young Republican club. Guess which one this rebellious lioness did. However, this fembot doesn’t change all her opinions so easily. Hillary is known for her loyalty: to universal health care, women’s rights, and her baby’s daddy, Bill. But don’t mistake loyalty for weakness, this stone cold fox shows no emotion unless votes are at stake. Like a fine wine, Hillary gets better with age and experience.

John Edwards: John Edwards is the true undergod. Despite a $29.5 million net worth, he describes himself as the “people’s candidate” and has likened himself to Seabiscuit. He’s built a platform on universal health care and ending poverty, having clawed his way from the textile mill to the Senate and, possibly, the presidency. In 2004, Edwards played Barney to John Kerry’s Fred, but will he be willing to play Bonnie to Hillary Clinton’s Clyde?

Mike Huckabee: Should you choose Huckabee, be prepared to rock out Saturday night and cleanse your soul Sunday morning. As the bass player for rock band Capitol Offense, he’s opened for Willie Nelson and REO Speedwagon. Don’t expect the usual rock star antics, such as cocaine use or pre-marital sex. He’s a good Baptist minister who still supports the war in Iraq, opposes Darwin, and has recruited Stephen Colbert as his running mate.

John McCain: John McCain has lived the kind of dangerous life that Schwarzenegger can only dream of. He endured six years of torture in North Vietnam after being shot down by the Viet Cong. A supporter of the Iraq War, he is the only presidential candidate to have a son serving there. McCain has called himself “a wiseass.” This year he was rebuked on the floor of the House of Representatives after saying he had picked out a gift for Jon Stewart in Baghdad: “a little IED [improvised explosive device] to put on your desk.” Some people just can’t take a joke.

Barack Obama: This human melting pot is more than just a tall, lean hunk of man. Obama has won fans ranging from young voters to Edwards’ former compadre, John Kerry. But no hard feelings; this grassroots campaign can do no wrong in the eyes of college students. After all, Obama has admitted to using alcohol, marijuana, and cocaine during his teenage years. He also credits poker as a guilty pleasure. With this party hard attitude, we have a feeling many shots will be dedicated to Obama in the upcoming months.

Mitt Romney: Don’t let his MySpace fool you, this conservative poster child isn’t as boring as he looks. If you don’t believe us, ask 75,202 New Hampshire voters. And did we mention he’s a Mormon? Although he has tried to keep it a secret, the press just loves polygamy. Co-Editor-in-Chief Amy thinks Romney is a G(randfather)ILF. What more endorsement do you need?

Advertisements

Read Full Post »